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So, as inferred in the title, I need to apologise to those that read this blog; more for the lack of posts in recent months than anything specific. Mea culpa.

What’s worse, is that I have more posts in my draft folder than I have live on the blog! I’m not sure if I should go back through and finish them now though as they’re, not out of date I guess, but out of time?

As someone that suffers from mental health issues (anxiety and depression), it’s been almost a year since one of the most significant, and at the time of writing, the single worst thing that has happened to me. I think this has had more than one negative effect as well as taken me almost a year to work through it and find out exactly what’s been the cumulative effect.

The worst bit about it? I’m not allowed to talk about the “what”, but I can certainly say what affect it’s had on me since. As I say, it’s taken me until now to even start to understand the effects.

Being called into a meeting room and basically, over about an hour, be systematically called a liar and told you’re wrong, seemingly worthless and not done anything positive/had any positive effect, really takes its toll. I’m not saying that it’s any worse in my case due to the mental health issues I suffer from, but I can say that I know they have made it worse in my situation. But no one really cares about that, or if there were underlying reasons that the person having this conversation “at” me, took into consideration.

It’s funny to think about it now, but since then I’ve struggled with any real open speaking (think room full of people, stumbling over words, not being able to recall anything when I’ve only talked about it a few moments ago; worrying that I’ll say it all wrong because I don’t know what I’m saying anymore), lost all confidence in my own abilities; which I’m told that I “had” at one point; although I struggle to see that I ever did these days. You get the picture.

In keeping with these things, I’m currently surrounded by people that don’t seem to understand the true value in those items. And certainly not in testing, or manual testing, to be specific. “Automate all the things” seems to be the motto, without any understanding or desire to understand the benefits that manual testing has over automated checking.

They don’t seem to understand or want to understand: Exploratory testing, test charters, timeboxed or otherwise; nothing about test heuristics, test talks or ways to improve the testing or the testing culture. I’m sure this can’t be just because testing is seen as something to be outsourced, other than key stakeholders working for the organisation itself.

I should possibly do more omphaloskepsis; from the position I’m in at the moment; Technology lead, rather than test lead/manager/other lead roles. Is this something that should be outside of the remit of the person that looks at the tooling and decides if it’s something that should be used/paid for etc? I would’ve thought that this would be even more important; if increasing the quality of testing were something that was wanted throughout the organisation/test function?

But then, with everything else I’ve said above, maybe it’s just me ( Omphaloskepsis or navel-gazing?) and I really am that person I was made out to be a year ago.

I guess I’ll keep going and see…